#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#rebuildinglife #setbacks #trauma
#personalcrisis #overcoming #transcendence 
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
But the point remains. Halloween is here and somehow our own skeletons (in this case, our need for attention) tend to come out and demand — I mean, command — the spotlight. It is around this time of the year when we consciously or unconsciously become “hustlers” for attention.
How does this need manifest during Halloween? Using some of Brené Brown’s work from The Gifts of Imperfection, here are four ways our inner skeletons tend to appear during Halloween.
Perform — By wearing the coolest (and by coolest I mean, most outrageous, sexiest, you fill in the blank here) costume you can think of. Or buying the (insert a superlative here) costume for your children. It is the same thing.
Perfect — By acting the part of the super-organized adult, who ordered candy, costumes and everything else ahead of time. Every room in the house is as scary as it needs to be right out of the Stepford family playbook. This was I several years ago. I had to have the right candy and the right lighting outside the house. No longer.
Please — By wearing a costume that is popular, that you know will be wildly well received. For example, I was toying with the idea of dressing up as a bearded Red Sox fan. It would be sure hit since I live in Boston. I am still considering it. What the heck. I am a recovering people pleaser. Cut me some slack!
Prove — By coming up with an elaborate disguise or decoration we have tangible proof that we, in fact, are worth of attention and validation.
Each one of these examples, could go through each one of the four P’s mentioned. So people pleasers could behave (or perform) in a certain way to the point of perfection just to prove they can please everyone.
There is nothing wrong with seeking attention and approval. After all, we are conditioned to be attention seekers since infancy. And we are communal beings who thrive through connectedness on rely on others, right?
As tech-savvy and ingenious adults we have found many ways to extend this need for attention — and ultimately validation — through social media. How many of our posts in Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest are sending this subliminal message saying, “Hey, look at me, aren’t I cool, smart, lucky, etc.? Like it if you agree and so that I feel validated.” How many times do we stop what we are doing to look at our latest Facebook status?
So, how do we tame these skeletons? It is all about the beliefs that drive intention behind the action.
In the example of the bearded Red Sox fan, do I want the costume because it will elicit compliments and positive, approving remarks or am I doing it for my own fun to join in the spirit of the moment? Am I soliciting nods of approval because I am feeling unappreciated or am I looking to wear the costume for the sheer joy of the experience?
Hope this helps you tame your skeletons this Halloween. I have to run, though. I just thought of an even cooler Halloween costume: Big Papi, David Ortíz. Need to go buy a No. 34 Red Sox shirt.
For more by Anna Giraldo Kerr, click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.
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#trauma #crisis #traumatized
That’s the attitude that counters the we-and-they thinking epidemic in the kind of cliques in schools that foment fights or bullying, in the biases against diversity in the workplace and in the wars being fought between groups worldwide.
It was called the “narcissism of small differences” by Freud. Vamik Volkan, a Turkish psychiatrist, saw this at work in his native Cyprus, where for generations, Cypriots and Turks waged a war against each other when, to the eye of someone just visiting the island, they were one and the same people. He recognized that each group had seized on some small custom unique to the other group and demonized them for it, all the while ignoring the vast number of ways they were similar.
That’s the story of all too many wars throughout history, of too many arguments against letting people of all backgrounds have a fair chance, and of too many instances of bullying in high school hallways.
The problem comes down to attitudes, often learned in the home. Dr. Volkan could name the moments in his childhood he was taught to hate some minor trait of the other culture. He devoted much of his career to finding ways to inoculate against such toxic biases; he saw that just as prejudice can be taught, it can also be unlearned.
One of the more powerful means to counter the toxicity of such intolerance is reflecting on all the ways someone else, particularly someone from an “other” group, is “just like me.” Making that reflection a daily practice primes our minds to focus on similarities, not differences — a practice that could be useful for any program in diversity training in the workplace or tolerance and anti-bullying in schools.
Another way: encourage friendships and contacts of all kinds across the boundaries between such groups. Getting to know someone from another group both lowers anxiety about that group and enhances empathy toward them. The strength of contacts in countering prejudice was confirmed in an analysis of 515 studies involving a total of 250,000 people by Thomas Pettigrew, a social psychologist.
He found that prejudice against another group is lowest among people who have friends with or grew up among people from that group — and learned that “they” are “just like me.”
Daniel Goleman’s new book FOCUS: The Hidden Driver of Excellence, and CD FOCUS for Teens: Enhancing Concentration, Caring and Calm, are now available.
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
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#rebuildinglife #setbacks #trauma
#personalcrisis #overcoming #transcendence
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So, the first question we asked each other was: does anyone ever truly stop grieving? Our answer was, “No, we learn how to live with it.” But there are methods and ways we can use to assist us in going through the process in a constructive way and in turn, make the experience a beneficial one of understanding and learning.
Loss is a part of life. Without change, we would not grow. Everything in the universe has a natural and distinct pattern of birth and death. By understanding grief and loss, we can better understand life and live it fully in the best way we can. Grief is the ending of one thing, but the beginning of something new. Whether it be a heart-wrenching death, a divorce, getting older, the end of a job, or a major change in life, all bring with it opportunities for growth and perhaps a new way of achieving what we want most in life.
Of course my specialty is communication with so-called “dead people,” so that is where I speak from, but all grief is valid and real. Grief is a mixture of many emotions; and none of us grieve in the same way. One day we are happy and the next day we break down. Nothing I can say will change the fact that your loved one is no longer with you in a physical way. Please never think you need to not cry or “get over it” because that doesn’t happen. You must honor the person or the experience and gently take good care of yourself. Do things which feed your soul and heart. Perhaps start new projects like gardening or art. Whatever opens you up to feeling better with yourself. One of the most important things you need to realize is that no one needs to go through grief alone. You may feel alone or that you are in your own world, but this is far from the truth. There are many people in your life who want nothing more than to listen to you and share. You never know what someone will say which might be the perfect words for you to hear at this time. Open up the possibility to share your feelings with others. And the perfect words to help someone who is grieving is to say, “I am here for you.”
Being part of this “human experience,” or as I say, “classroom earth,” is not easy. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult human lessons to learn. Losing someone presents us with challenges and hurt. But, we must step back and look at this experience as a lesson for our soul. Because in reality, we are souls having human experiences not the other way around. We have to go through the pain in order to grow. The pain does not define us — it is just validation of our love.
I believe that we souls learn something significant from all of our experiences, no matter how grand or small. Each experience changes us. When someone in your life transitions to a spiritual form, they never go without leaving gifts behind. What gifts have you received from them? How is your life going to be better from meeting them? Through grief we learn, we grow, we live. Life is for living. It always changes and becomes something else. Because we are souls, life and learning never end, and just like the caterpillar, we transform into butterflies to soar to new heights.
My healing thoughts are with you,
James
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#trauma #crisis #traumatized
#rebuildinglife #setbacks #trauma
#personalcrisis #overcoming #transcendence
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